This is an old battle report from the original Warbard – Corey
We had a Medieval Human vs Orc FR! fight Tuesday (April 27, 1999), and I’ve finally written a battle report. This one’ s from the Orc point of view (after all, victors write history, right?) and I had a lot of fun writing it!
Grashnek da Uruk on Unbolg’ s big raid into ‘ uman territ’ ry
So, da big boss Unbolg, he decide dat de Dwarfs, dey’ re entire too tough. Lousy eatin’ and dem buggers is bloody good fighters, too. Dey maul de Tribe when we last went into Dwarf territ’ ry, so Unbolg look for easy pickins.
He say he found good target for da raids in territory of ‘ uman lady, da Duchess of Sout’ fold. Humans is better eatin’ an’ da horse is better eatin’ still, sez Unbolg. Da snagas go “Whoo-hoo!” – it don’ t take much to get dem snaga excited. Me, I tink damn kniggets on big damn ‘ orse is pretty mean, but Unbolg got ‘ dat look’ , mean and set in ‘ is ways. It’ s why ‘ e’ s still da Boss.
So we wanders into ‘ uman territ’ ry, a big mob of da snaga, a bunch of us uruk, lots o’ dem mad frotin’ -at-da-mout’ wargs, some wit’ snaga ridin’ dem, and a couple a dem big, big trolls. Boy, do dose troll buggers stink! Unbolg was da Boss, o’ course, and I’ m like da other kinda boss, cause I’ m meaner dan most, and I gets to carry da big big Banner, wit’ flames all over it. We had dat mad bugger Graz and ‘ is drum, and dat ‘ orrible little snaga fire shaman, cause for a snaga ‘ e’ s mean, and ‘ e’ s got a way wit da fire. A bunch of dem archer-uruk came, too.
We come up over a bunch a hills, an dere’ s dis little village of da ‘ umans, wit lots a dere peasant types running’ away when dey sees da big Banner overhead! We kinda start chargin’ toward da village, wit’ da wargs and da snaga-riders on da sides and dose stoopid archers ahead. Calls demselves Uruk, dey do! Da cheek of it!
Den dere’ s big, big walls of flame and all ‘ orribleness in front of us! Da snaga charge at it, but dere afraid, no surprise dere. Dere was a damned ‘ uman mage or sommat in da area! So we kinda move to da left, up onto da hill, wit’ da snaga in front and us uruk behind, and da archer types even farther ahead.
Da archer-types, dey say ders great big bloody ‘ orses on da plain, all covered in cloth and wit’ guys in armour on da backs of ‘ em! Da bloody ‘ uman knights ‘ ad showed up, and dey were gonna fight! Dere was ‘ uman footmen wit’ da big swords down dere as well, but da mad warg poured all over dem and dey wasn’ t doing so good.
Graz da Mad an’ ‘ is drum lead a couple mobs o’ snaga into da town, and da snaga on wargs are goin’ round da far side, and da little shaman, ‘ e sez for sure ders a damn ‘ uman mage in da area, cause ‘ e can feel da spells. Dere’ s more flames and ‘ orribleness in front of us, but da Boss Unbolg he sez to charge da flames, dat dere fake like! So we do, an’ ya know, dey were fake?! Damn ‘ uman mage, ‘ e could only do illusions like!
Da archers were shootin’ at da knights on da plain, and dey actually brought a bunch o’ dem down, filled full o’ arrows! Damn good, I’ ll say, even if dey ain’ t uruk! Da shaman, ‘ e was keepin’ da ‘ umans confused wit’ big damn walls o’ flame and by makin’ ‘ em all real hot, so dey couldn’ t move like. Dat shaman was pretty hot, ya know?
Da snaga ridin’ warg were away on da side, but we could see dem messing wit’ some knights, running around dem an’ shootin’ , and dem knights couldn’ t catch dose fast wolves, so dat was looking pretty good.
Da ‘ umans were gettin’ a bit discouraged, I tink, and mebbe slowin’ down a bit, but dey was still tough basterds, and da batch dat came ‘ round da forest ahead of us, dey were even tougher looking, and dat Duchess, she was wit’ dose knights, so dey’ d fight real good! Da shaman cast lots o’ walls a flame, and cut da mean-looking knights off, but da other knights ran over da last o’ dose mad wargs, and nearly all da archer-types was run down as well, but da ‘ uman’ s were loosing, and dey knew it too.
Da end came wit’ out me even ‘ aving to fight, and I calls dat pretty good! Dose wolf-snagas swarmed all ov’ r some knights dat were fightin’ wit some snaga mobs, and da surrounded knights went down, and da rest kinda ran away, but dey left lots an’ lots o’ ‘ orses an’ ‘ umans on da field, so we had a good feed and got to plunder dat village, and it was pretty damn good, ya know? Dat village burned real nice, too.
Postscript: I’m in the middle of reading “The Art of War in the Middle Ages” by Charles Oman (my light recreational reading of the moment) and ran across this passage:
“…each commander took his own route and made what speed he could, the French army arrived upon the field in dozens of small scattered bodies. These were attacked in detail, and in many cases routed by the Mamelukes. No general battle was fought, but a number of detached and incoherent cavalry combats had all the results of a great defeat. A skirmish…would overthrow the chivalry of the West, even when in went forth in great strength and was inspired…” (pg 59)
Now, substitute “Duchess of Westfold” for ‘French’ and ‘West’, and “Orcs” for ‘Mamelukes’, and we have a perfect snyopsis of Tuesday’s FR! fight between Tony’s medieval humans and my orcs and goblins!
“Art of War in the Middle Ages” is a great book – I highly recommend reading it.